Holy Manitoba! Wasn't that the most 10-plus thing you've ever seen in your life?
What?
The ballerinas, Floyd! Huh?
Those flat, skinny chicks that just went spinning by.
Really?
The ones in the tutus. They just went down the sidewalk.
They did? How could you miss 'em, Floyd?
They were right there, dancing around on their tippy toes.
Are you okay, Shelly?
Yeah. Of course, I'm okay.
I think.
Good morning, Cicely.
You're listening to the KBHR, the vox populi of the borough of Arrowhead County.
First up, the monthly meeting of the Cicely Frost Biters.
Those of you who've lost extremities to the cold...
and would like to share your feelings...
with others who have been through the same experience...
drop by the church tonight, 00. BYOB.
Wednesday night, same time, same place...
Owen Smith, numero uno sled dog breeder and owner of Smith's Feed Chalet...
is gonna be giving a free lecture on the care and diet of the mature husky.
And this week's big event...
tomorrow at noon the unveiling of the Whirlwind family totem pole.
Admission to this shindig is by invitation only.
Hey, Marilyn, mazel tov!
Hello, Dr. Fleischman. Hey, Ed.
Let me ask you something. You going to Marilyn's totem thing?
Oh, sure. We're cousins.
You're kidding. Nope.
You and Marilyn are cousins? Yep.
See, the Whirlwinds come from the family's Raven Clan...
and the Chigliaks, come from the family's Bear Clan. Dave, too.
Oh, so that would make you...
Cousins. Right.
Well, I've never been to a totem raising before. What exactly goes on?
Is it like a wedding or a bar mitzvah? Bris? What?
Actually, more like a slide show. A slide show?
Yep. See, family pictures, and all...
except instead of being in an album, they're on a big stick.
See you later.
Hey, Joel! Hey, Fleischman.
Hey. Listen.
Is it too late to cancel my spring water atomizers?
You want to cancel? Mmm.
Mike has been a lot less congested lately.
Hey, we even built a fire last night. It was no problem.
Roasted chestnuts. Played Scrabble.
Who beat who? No.
Go on. Tell him, tell him. This woman is a seven-letter maniac.
Did we turn off the oven? Oh, no.
Oh, no. We better go. We told Marilyn...
we'd make a green bean casserole for her potlatch.
Yeah. Don't let me keep you. I'll get the check. See you, Fleischman.
See you later, Joel. All right. Okay. See you, guys.
It was just so hyper-realistic.
I mean, they were, like, there.
Flesh and blood.
You ever wig out like that? No, not really.
At first, I thought, "I gotta be dreaming. "
But then I pinched myself, and it hurt. Is that Red's order?
Uh-huh. Pancakes and shrimp salad. Supposed to be link sausages.
Huh. That's the second order I blew today.
Shelly. Yeah, babe?
Something wrong with your feet? Uh-uh. Why?
You're not wearing any shoes.
Oh. Mondo weirdo.
Give this to Red, will you?
Hey, Leonard. Oh, morning, Chris.
You mind a visitor? I've never really seen a totem in process.
Oh, by all means. I'm just finishing up the detail work.
Still gotta put these teeth into the split wolf crest.
Oh, badger tooth. Yeah. Opercula.
It's a hardened calcium deposit. Wow.
Hey, Leonard, what does that big eagle mean?
Ah, that's the symbol for Marilyn's mom.
She was a riveter for Boeing during the war.
Oh, is that right? And the squirrel?
That's Uncle Eli. He owned a dry goods store in Kagamil.
Wow. I dig the whole linear development.
I mean, it's bold, it's strong, you know.
Yeah, I feel good about this one, Chris. It all came together.
The grain was tight, and the cedar took the chisel nicely.
I don't know how you do it. You know, working without a net.
I mean, I'm a constructivist, you know, I weld my pieces.
You know, metal on metal, shape on shape.
But sculptures, you know, working in marble and wood.
Like Donatello, Moore. You.
One slip of the mallet, man, it's all over.
Well, it never really enters my mind. No kidding?
I visualize the figures in the wood.
In a sense, they're already there.
So really, it's just a matter of removing everything that's excess.
First with the chainsaw, roughing it out.
Then with the chisel and adz.
"Liberating the figure from the marble that imprisons it. "
Michelangelo. Yep.
Yeah, he would've done well with totem poles.
Hmm.
Experiencing any headaches? No.
Have you been sleeping? Yeah. Total snoozeland.
Well, your eyes are clear, and there's no floaters in the vitreous.
That's a relief. I guess.
Why don't you cover your left eye and read the lowest line that you can.
D- E-F-P-O-T-E-C. Good.
Now, cover the right and the lowest line that you can.
L- E-F-O...
Shelly. Shelly. Huh?
Finish the line. The line?
Yeah. L-E-F, etcetera.
Dr. Fleischman, can I ask you a personal question?
Yeah. Do you know how to tap dance?
Oh.
No. I didn't think so.
Well, why'd you ask?
Seeing you bop around the room in that monkey suit.
Shelly, have you sustained any injuries to your head lately?
Me? Uh-uh. Follow my finger with your eyes.
Well...
based on this exam and the history that you've given me...
I mean, I can safely say that, uh...
I mean, you seem fine.
Seem fine? Yeah. I mean...
I can't say for sure without an EEG or a CT scan...
but I can't seem to find...
any physical evidence for the hallucinations.
What I mean is, there doesn't seem to be any neurophysiological...
or structural basis, so...
maybe we should consider a psychiatric consultation.
Oh, boy.
Well, look, I'm not saying that the problem is psychogenic.
I just want to cover my bases. Oh, boy.
Shelly, it's nothing to get alarmed about. It could be nothing more than...
Than what? Uh, well...
it's a schizoid personality disorder.
Which is really nothing more...
than a little fissuration of the mental functions.
In lay terms, it would imply that you're...
What?
I guess it would imply that you're kind of nuts.
Hello, Joel. Hello, Ruth-Anne.
Don't miss the shumai.
Yeah? It's good, huh? Mmm-hmm.
All righty.
What's these? Salmon sticks. Mucho gusto.
Yeah? It's good with barbecue sauce.
This is great, you know that?
Here. Thank you.
Which reminds me of block parties we had back in New York.
They would cordon off 79th Street between Amsterdam and Columbus...
and there'd be crafts, and everybody'd be having a...
I know.
Having a what?
Everybody would be having a good time.
Yeah, right.
Excuse me. May I have your attention, please?
Ladies and gentlemen, yeah, in the back. Great. Thank you very much.
The unveiling of a totem pole is always a joyous occasion.
And today that joy belongs to the Whirlwind family.
A generous peoples, the Whirlwinds.
Give you the shirt right off of their back.
We all recall last year, when Lloyd Killdeer, a member of the Bear Clan...
pulled his Achilles tendon and couldn't sheer his sheep.
It was Ravens who pitched in and got the wool to market.
And that's just the tip of the iceberg. So without any further ado...
the Whirlwind Pole.
That's great!
As you can see, it's been quite a decade for the Ravens.
Wait a minute.
We all applaud their foresight in selling short...
on LA real estate.
And who could forget... Come on.
...the many grandchildren that have come to bless their houses?
And I know we all wish cousin Norman Willowbank well on his orals...
as he completes his PhD...
in International Relations at Stanford.
I hope you're happy.
What the hell's going on? Bear Clan.
They can never handle the truth.
Ed, come on. We're out of here.
Let's go.
Ed? Ed! Uh, uh...
Chris in the Morning. A local news update...
for those of you who might have missed it.
Unexpected turn of events at today's potlatch.
Seems Bear Clan members took offense...
to a particular fish crest on the Whirlwind totem pole.
Now, I'm not hip to the details...
but it seems that the Ravens' take on family history...
is at wide variance with that of the Bears.
Tempers at this time are running pretty high...
and the Bears have called for a retraction...
and the Ravens aren't even answering the phone.
Good afternoon, Marilyn. Hi, Maurice.
Ed, here's your pork loin on wheat.
And, Maurice, smelt with the jackets on, side of slaw.
Yeah. Thanks, Dave. Sweeten that up for me, would you?
You bet. Maurice, tell Dave I'll have the same.
You get that, Dave?
Please inform Marilyn I'd rather pluck my eyes out than serve her.
You're just jealous 'cause Harold was a success.
He was a crook. He stole his seed money from Roland.
Roland made that up 'cause he ran the business into the ground.
The Ravens have no right to that fish!
What the hell's going on here?
Who's Roland, and Harold, and what's this about a fish?
It's all about the fish crest in the second tier, Maurice.
It pays tribute to Marilyn's great Uncle Harold...
who owned a salmon cannery in Sitka.
So?
Well, you gotta understand. Harold's a very controversial figure.
He opened an auto repair shop with Dave's great uncle, Roland Killdeer.
And the Bears claim he embezzled the money...
to start the cannery from Roland.
Whereas the Ravens claim that...
Harold found the money in a coffee can under the kitchen floor.
Harold Whirlwind and Roland Killdeer. I can't place the names.
Oh, that's because they're dead. Dead?
Yeah. See, this all happened in 1934.
Well, that's 60 years ago.
These people are still upset about that? Yeah.
Actually, there's been a couple of other incidents since then.
In 1961, Betty Killdeer got the first washing machine in Cicely...
and she wouldn't let any of the Whirlwind women use it.
And then, in 1978, the Whirlwinds got a satellite dish...
but they wouldn't let any of the Bears plug into it.
So the Bears retaliated by not inviting the Ravens to their New Year's Eve party.
I don't think anyone ever got over that one.
Uh-oh.
Couple of feud closures just in.
Raven Brothers flea market postponed indefinitely, result of a Bear boycott.
Inuit Knitting Society Crafts Fair and Pattern Exchange canceled till further notice.
You know, family feuds are familiar territory to this DJ.
Back in 1912, my great-great-granddaddy, Hank...
shot his third cousin once removed, Deputy Lou Miller...
in the neck for busting up his still and peeing in his corn mash.
Some 80 years later, to this very day, in West Virginia...
my cousins Jake and Kenny still like to whip Millers in the schoolyard...
just for being Millers.
You know, they say that blood is thicker than water.
Maybe that's why we battle our own with much more energy and gusto...
than we would ever expend on strangers.
Hey, Shelly. What's going on? Lots. We gotta talk.
I need to be shrunk. Shrunk, like...
Yeah. I was gonna call KZAB.
They used to have a head shrinker on after the farm report...
but they went country, and yanked him.
So, well, you're the closest thing.
Oh, cool. I'm into that. Shoot.
It's about these dancers. I see them wherever I go.
Dancers? 10-4.
In the bar, in the street, in Dr. Fleischman's office.
But they're, like, not really there.
Okay, I'm gonna tell you right off the bat, Shelly...
it could be a couple of possibilities.
Yeah? Oh, yeah.
It could be just your standard, revelatory experience...
you know, like a case of religious ecstasy...
a glimpse of the transcendent, you know, like Moses and the burning bush...
or Joseph Smith and the angel Moroni.
You know, some kind of thing like that. Huh.
Or it could just be some bad acid.
You know, my friend Roach, in West Virginia in 1985, dropped some funky yellow.
He's still seeing Gila monsters to this very day.
Oh.
The mind, Shelly, it is this strange ball of goo.
You know, my friend, Tooley, he had his fair share of both...
religiously-inspired and chemically-induced visions.
I think he had the healthiest take on it all. He'd say to me...
"Chris, as long as they're still on the wall and not crawling up your leg...
"let 'em ride, man. "
You know? Huh.
Hey, Fleischman, I have your IV solutions.
Man, is it my imagination, or is 5% dextrose and water getting heavier?
So this is how it is, huh?
You weren't even gonna tell me?
Tell you?
What, you don't think I deserve the courtesy of an explanation, is that it?
What are you talking about? Please, don't demean yourself...
any further by pretending you don't know what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about you and him. Him?
Yeah, Mike. You know, you're little public displays...
your hand-holding and your little whispers...
and the secret smiles. I mean, come on.
Any moron can tell that the two of you are fornicating like jackrabbits.
So? So? What are you?
Are you made of granite? Of ice? Fleischman...
why should I tell you about my private life?
Why? Because I am significant to you.
Because we are involved. We have a relationship.
We have a relationship? That's right.
No, Fleischman, we don't have a relationship-
We certainly do. No, excuse me. Am I wearing your pin?
Are we going steady?
You're not gonna get out of it on a technicality, O'Connell.
We were an item, and you knew it...
and I knew it. Everybody, the whole world knew it.
Fleischman, there was nothing to know.
What would you call the last two and a half years?
What would you call sexual relations? Sexual relation. One. Singular.
Well, what would you call taking me home to meet your grandmother?
Oh, now you're really out there, Fleischman.
See, you have stringed together a few unrelated incidents...
and you've concocted some sort of romantic fantasy.
Wait, wait, wait. What? I'm sorry.
Fantasy? Did you say fantasy?
Let me just get this straight. You're saying that I, what, I dreamt this up?
That I just made this up. That there's nothing there? Is that it?
That we're just, just- Yes. That we're just just.
No, we're not just just.
We are just whatever, and whatever that is...
it implies a certain chemistry and an intensity and a passion!
Yeah, so don't stand there and try and tell me that we're just just.
Because we both know better than that!
Hey, Leonard. Hey, Chris.
You got a sec? Yeah, you want to join me?
Yeah, why not. I was just over there looking at the fish crest, you know...
that's got everybody's quills up in the air. Mmm-hmm.
It's so small. It's almost like you could pop it out with a two-point adz.
French fry? No, no.
It doesn't even begin to touch the emergent line...
you know, that runs along the grain to the bear paw?
You know, a little wood filler, some carpentry glue...
you know, sand it down maybe. Wouldn't even know it was there.
What are you saying? I should remove the fish?
No, I'm just, you know...
I don't know, it'd probably save everybody a lot of grief.
I can't do that. The fish stays.
Leonard, do you really think...
that Harold found that money in an old coffee can? Come on.
I don't know. If you ask me, that's a very iffy tale.
See, we're not talking about historical accuracy, Chris...
we're talking about art.
I've set in motion a geometric inevitability.
If I start chiseling there and chipping here, the whole form's compromised.
Right? You're right. I mean...
what if Rodin had rolled over and put Balzac in a three-piece suit?
The piece would have lost its overpowering monolithic presence.
Yeah, and Seurat, you know.
You take one little dot out of Picnic In The Park...
you lose an eye, a nose, a smile.
Would you pull a chapter out of Sound and the Fury...
or take the andante out of Mozart's G minor Symphony? Hmm?
No, you wouldn't. Right.
Leonard, I'm sorry, man.
I just- Sometimes I lose myself.
That pole is perfect. Don't touch it.
Yeah. I'm gonna get you a beer.
I love that pole. Big Dave, give me a tall one, pronto!
Unbelievable.
I mean, I'm standing there, listening to Fleischman raving like a lunatic.
I mean, he's going on and on. And then, I start to think...
"Wait a minute, maybe I'm crazy. "
I mean, maybe we did have a...
Whatever.
Can you pass me those basil seedlings? Oh, yeah, sure.
But then I did a reality check. I said, "Wait a minute...
"of course, we didn't have a whatever. "
I mean, yes, it's obvious we know each other.
Okay. And then I'll admit...
we were thrust into some, you know, intimate situations.
But, you know, I suppose, in a way...
I can understand how in Fleischman's fevered, twisted imagination...
he could see how we had a whatever.
You know. I mean, not that I would call it that.
I mean, I would call it a...
whatever.
Potting soil?
Right there, hon.
Anyway, the point is, why did Fleischman feel the need to do that?
And when you think about that, the answer is obvious.
He was hurt, you know?
I mean, Fleischman is a very angry, very insecure individual.
And he wanted something. He wanted me, you know, and he lost, and you won.
You got me. So he felt the need to compensate, I suppose.
You know, and in a way, I feel sorry for him.
I mean, he looks at us, and he sees us happy and together...
and he's alone, and he has no one.
I know what you're thinking.
You do? Yes, you think I should go to him...
talk to him and straighten things out.
You're right, okay? You're right.
I mean, yes, Fleischman is a screwed up individual...
but, you know, he's not totally bad. He has a few endearing qualities.
I mean, he's pretty smart, and he has an okay sense of humor...
and he's almost, almost fun to be with.
I mean, why can't we all be friends?
Why does this have to be a win-lose situation?
Why can't it be a win-win for everybody? Right.
You know, you're incredible.
Most guys would have a problem if the woman they're seriously involved with...
tried to patch things up with their ex-whatever.
But, I mean, that just goes to show...
what a strong and incredibly confident man you are.
Hi, Shelly. Oh, hi, Leonard.
Oh, man, not again.
You okay? Shelly?
I'm going seriously psycho, Leonard. Ah, dancers.
You saw 'em, too? No.
Oh. But I recognize the signs.
What signs? The signs of someone seeing dancers.
Eyes glazed over, pupils dilate, slight involuntary rhythmic swaying.
You mean this happens to other people?
Oh, sure. I see it in my practice a few times a year.
Really? What can I do to make it stop?
Get married. Huh?
You see, the dancers are an expression of the subconscious drive.
A dream symbol.
In Freudian theory, for instance, a snake symbolizes the penis.
A dream of crumbling teeth indicates a fear of castration.
Wow.
And clearly, to you, as to a lot of people, life is a dance.
And for that, you need a partner, a husband.
If I get hitched to Holling, the dancers'll take a hike?
Absolutely.
Or not.
Thanks, Leonard.
Dave, could you come catch table four for me?
We're swamped.
Holling, those are Ravens out there. Not in here, they're not.
In here, they are customers, Dave.
Holling... Shelly, where have you been?
...you gotta marry me. What?
I know you get all freaked about trucking down the aisle, but don't worry...
this is not like some heavy-duty romance commitment thing.
More like Bengay for your back after work.
I need to get hitched to make the dancers go away.
You want me to marry you, Shelly?
10-4. Don't take this wrong, Holling, it's nothing personal.
But if you can't, I'll have to find somebody else.
If you need some time to think about it, go ahead.
All right. You will?
I'd be honored and proud to make you my wife, Shelly.
Dynamite! Thanks, Holling. Thanks heaps.
I'll go find Chris. See if he can set up the gig for tomorrow.
Tomorrow? Well, it's probably too late for tonight.
I owe you one, Big H.
Anybody home? Yeah.
Hold on.
Hi. Yeah. What?
Here. I got this, just for you. It's cheesecake.
Cheesecake, huh?
I was in Anchorage, and there's this little deli on Spruce.
They have great pastrami sandwiches and pickles.
Very New York. Well, at least that's what I'm told...
and I saw that in the window, and I thought...
"Cheesecake. I bet Fleischman would like that. "
Yeah, well, that's very nice, O'Connell, but, what can I do for you?
Well, truthfully, I just thought it'd be really good if we could talk.
All right. Okay.
Well, now I was just thinking about what you were saying about you and me...
and, us.
And actually, you were right, in a way.
I mean, there is a history between us.
I mean, well, not history in the sense of "history" history...
but there is a certain...
Whatever? Right.
Well, is there some point? Yes, actually.
You know, even though...
Mike and I have this very caring, very understanding relationship...
that doesn't mean that you and I can't be friends.
Friends, huh? Right.
So, you want to be friends?
Yes.
Yes. I'd like that very much.
No. No?
No. We are definitely not friends, O'Connell.
Because, you know, think about what friends do. What do they do?
They have dinners, and they have conversations, and they go to the movies...
and they help each other move and - So?
So?
Well, friends don't go into barns...
and tear each other's clothes off in an uncontrolled sexual frenzy...
and then proceed to go at it in the dirt, now do they?
Fleischman, that was the Cohos.
That was an animalistic, wind-induced bit of insanity.
That wasn't the wind, O'Connell. What is it with the wind up here?
It was you and me. It was sex...
which has been there since day one, lurking...
like this hormonal monster in the corner just waiting to pounce.
Fleischman, I'm not saying there hasn't been...
a base animal attraction between the two of us. But so what?
I mean, people have disgusting urges all the time.
I mean, they have urges to kill one another.
That doesn't mean they go ahead and do it.
Look, you can delude yourself all you want, but this thing between us...
whatever it might be, is not something that you're going to domesticate...
by putting in a box and mislabeling it "my little friend. "
Hey, I do not need to domesticate our relationship.
I can beat it to death with a stick.
I can make hamburger out of it and eat it for lunch.
Fine. And you can top it off with some ersatz Alaskan cheesecake.
Thanks. Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Chris in the Morning on KBHR.
5, 000 watts of AM in your ear.
Taking today's social temperature, it's still pretty frosty outside.
No end in sight.
I understand the Raven's are now planning to stonewall...
the annual fish head dinner over at Lake McLain.
For their part, the Bowling Bears of the Borough of Arrowhead County...
Bowling League have dropped out of Leo's Auto Shop Showdown Tourney.
Where's it all going to end, folks?
Here's an item I think we can all get behind.
The honorable Holling Vincoeur and the foxy Miss Shelly Tambo...
hereby announce their pending nuptials, 2:00 today at the church.
I know it's short notice, but the bride-to-be is pushing for a quickie.
Medical emergency. No, it's not what you're thinking.
Anyway, I know a couple of us have been down the aisle with these people before.
Maybe this time they'll make it to the altar, right?
Anyway, we'll keep our collective fingers crossed.
It's open. Maurice, you have a minute?
Holling...
I guess congratulations are in order.
I know what you must be thinking right now. I mean...
I've been so reluctant to make the plunge in the past.
Why now, right? I've been turning it over and over in my mind...
and asking myself the same question.
All these years...
I guess I just needed somebody to ask me.
Hmm.
I've always thought of marriage as a yoke around my neck...
but saying yes to Shelly actually made me feel free.
I tell you, Maurice, my heart feels like it's beating right out of my skin.
I feel so full, so strong...
so planted on these two feet.
Look here.
This belonged to my mother.
Can't you just see that gracing Shelly's fine, delicate hand?
Is there something I can do for you, Holling?
Maurice, I know that our wedding has got to pain you some...
seeing that you loved Shelly so desperately and wanted her for you own.
And, without a question, Shelly is a glorious prize...
and you must feel diminished seeing her being betrothed to me.
Do you want to get to the point, Holling?
What I'm trying to say, Maurice...
I'd like for you to be best man at the wedding.
Best man? It would mean so much to me...
and Shelly, both.
All right, Holling, I'll ride shotgun for you.
Thank you, Maurice. That is just the frosting on my cake.
Oh, I almost forgot.
You know, I know it is customary for the groom...
to give the wedding party a gift of appreciation.
And you, well...
you are my wedding party. So here.
Money clip. Well, that's genuine Yukon silver.
I better get on over to the church and hang some streamers.
Got to see to the mulled wine and finger sandwiches.
I'm here for my allergy booster.
I'll just have a seat until Dr. Fleischman's available.
You know, Marilyn, those allergy shots are pretty effective.
I very rarely ever have a sinus headache anymore.
And it seems I've almost completely lost my sensitivity to fireweed pollen.
Harold didn't steal the money.
Hey, Marilyn...
I know I put my Armani tie in the top drawer by the Yellow Pages...
Hey, Ed. Good morning, Dr. Fleischman.
Did you see it? It had a...
It was a geometric pattern, kind of purpley and green.
No.
Oh, I think it was in the splint drawer, that's where it is.
You sure you didn't see it? I got it. I got it.
So, I see you guys patched things up, huh? Good.
Very mensch-y. Forgive and forget.
I am definitely impressed with both of you.
But we should be getting a move on...
'cause we'll be late for the wedding.
It was called for 2:00...
but I think we should get there early, you know.
Although, you never know with Holling and Shelly...
it could be over before it begins.
Hi, Claire. Don't you look pretty. Grab a seat.
Hi, Winnifred, nice to see you. Have a seat.
Hi, Mrs. Whirlwind. In you go.
You look lovely, dear. The dress, it still fits just like a glove.
Try not to shilly-shally on your way to the pew, okay, Ruth-Anne?
I want to get this dealie done.
Hi. Hi. Congratulations, Shelly.
Thanks. In you go. Have a seat. Yeah. Okay.
Hi, Jake. Still some seats in the back. Go grab one.
I mean, we'll sit back there. That's nice.
Here, let me grab your jacket.
Look at Shelly in that pretty, white dress.
Isn't she just as scrumptious as a little angel?
You know, I don't know if I can call her an angel.
I hope that's everybody. I'm closing the door.
Last call! Oh, boy.
Marilyn, hit it! I'm coming down!
Marilyn, can it. Okay, let's roll.
Oh, okay. Marriage, you've probably read in Time and Newsweek...
that it's a dying institution, but try booking a reception hall in June.
Like the proverbial lemmings at the cliff...
everybody's still lining up to take the big plunge.
Chris, can we just get to the nitty-gritty?
You know, the "do you take" and the "till death do us part" part?
Holling, is it okay with you if I cut to the chase?
Well, whatever Shelly wants.
Do you take me for your lawfully wedded squeeze?
Yes, I do, certainly. Most assured. Me, too. Chris, put a knot on it.
By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you legal.
May I kiss the bride? Yep.
Oh, we'll suck face later, babe. Right now I gotta check something out.
Hi, Leonard. May I come in? Sure, Ed.
Well, what's this?
Oh, I'm starting a commission for the Green Trees.
Walrus Clan, out of Sleetmute.
Sure is a big pole. Big family.
Leonard, you probably know that, well, for the last six years...
the Ravens and the Bears have been getting together...
for Sunday brunch over at the bingo hall.
Mmm-hmm.
Well, this Sunday, that brunch has been canceled.
And so has the 50K charity dogsled race.
Leonard, the Whirlwind pole's just tearing the fabric of this town apart.
Well, that's nothing new.
Throughout history people have always been passionate about art.
It's gone too far, Leonard.
Somebody's gotta do something.
Somebody with a lot of clout, like Don Corleone in The Godfather I.
Do you know the movie? Do I know the movie?
I have the trilogy on tape.
Well, then you remember how they sent Luca Brasi to sleep with the fishes...
badly wounded Don Corleone himself...
and lured his first-born son, Sonny, out of the house and shot him at the tollbooth.
And even still, Don Corleone was able to overcome his desire for revenge...
and he called all the five families together for a big meeting...
and he said, "Enough. "
Basta. Basta.
Stand back! Watch your eyes!
It's open.
Hi.
Oh, what do you want, Fleischman?
Look, I gotta talk to you. I've been thinking about us.
Oh, here we go again.
Well, look, it's been really gnawing at me...
that I cannot come up with a word to describe what we are to one another.
I mean, I admit we're not lovers.
That would imply more than one sexual peccadillo.
This would imply an on-going romantic relationship...
which we are definitely not having, right?
But we're also- We're not a one night stand, right?
I mean, we're not a chance, anonymous coupling.
Right? You admit this?
Do you admit that? Yeah.
Yeah. Well, what are we? Because we are basically...
We are two people, we don't like each other...
we irritate and annoy each other...
but at the same time, we have...
this incredibly powerful abiding...
whatever. You know, what do you call that? I don't know.
I mean, all afternoon I'm chewing on this...
and all I could come up with is some stupid medical analogy.
Medical? Yeah.
It's like there are certain drugs that are well and good by themselves...
but when you put 'em together, they have a disastrous reaction in the patient.
Like warfarin and aspirin, right?
I mean, these are excellent anti-coagulants, but when you put them together, whammo.
I mean, literally, you can hemorrhage. You can bleed to death. So...
Yeah? Maybe that's what we are, you know.
In medicine, they're called mutually repellant drugs. Mutually repellant drugs.
Incompatibles. Incompatibles?
Well, all right, I can buy that.
But that doesn't do anything to suggest...
The craving. Right.
Well, that's my problem.
You know, I guess we need an adjective. You mean, like a modifier?
A qualifier of sorts? Right. Something like...
Affectionate. Affectionate incompatibles.
Mmm-mmm.
No.
Enamored. Enamored?
Enamored incompatibles. No. No.
You're right. How about desirous?
Desirous? Mutually desirous incompatibles.
I like that. Mutually desirous incompatibles.
Yeah, that's what we are.
I can live with that.
Good night, my mutually desirous incompatible.
Good night.
Shelly, I want you to know how sorry I am. Sorry?
Well, slinging hash and bussing tables, that's no kind of honeymoon for anybody.
It was just such short notice. No sweat, Holling.
I am so blissed out. Who cares about a honeymoon?
You're happy, then?
Are you kidding?
I haven't seen a single dancer since we got hitched.
Oh. By the way, you forgot this on the sink.
You're probably just not used to wearing it.
Holling, don't get bummed or anything...
but to tell you the truth, I got a problem with this ring.
Why? Does it need to be sized? No, it fits okay.
It just makes me feel like some kind of skanky old bag.
See, the thing is, when a chick wears a wedding ring...
it's like a "Keep off the grass" sign or something.
Guys just don't look at her the same anymore.
They don't ogle her boobs, or try to cop a feel.
They don't even slap her buns when she bends over to pick up a spoon.
Maybe it's hard for a guy to understand...
but when a chick puts on a wedding ring...
she might as well hang up her spandex pants and snakeskin boots...
'cause her struttin' days are over.
I see.
Hey, babe...
that doesn't mean I don't have a steel-belted radial around my heart.
Come here.
Well, I'd like to thank you all for coming once again.
As we know, there've been a lot of bad feelings about the Whirlwind totem pole.
And to tell you the truth, the whole thing just reminds me...
of Scorsese's Last Temptation of Christ.
You know, a lot of people got really upset with Marty and his cinematic vision...
and, well, boycotted Universal Studios and stuff.
In any case, though, I asked Leonard here if he thought that there was anything...
that he could do about the situation...
without sacrificing his artistic principles...
and, well, you know, let me just let him tell you about it.
It was tough.
And I'm not gonna kid you, it was a hard thing to do.
Inspiration finally came by way of the Federal Communications Commission.
And, as you might know, they've long advocated a policy of equal time.
So, in the spirit of the fairness doctrine, see what you think of this.
Well, there we have it, folks...
two totems poles, exactly the same.
Well, only different.
I don't get it. Aren't they the same pole? No fish crest.
Where? On the left.
Oh.
Well, Marilyn? I can live with it.
You know...
I'd forgotten about your parent's silver wedding anniversary.
You brought that polka band in from Montreal.
Everybody danced all night.
We had a real good time. Yeah.
I think I'll have a cup of coffee.
Sounds good. Me, too.
They're rolling sideways. Yeah.